Humans are hauntingly dualistic. We are capable of stunning generosity, kindness, and empathy. We also can be heartbreakingly cruel, greedy, and indifferent. This duality lives in us as individuals, as families, as societies, and as a species. A key component of living a good life is to work constantly to more fully embrace our lighter nature, and consistently try to turn away from our baser instincts. We can use this struggle to organize our interactions with ourselves and with others– what if we made the guiding principle in our life to bring out the best in those around us?
Organizing our lives around bringing out the best in others also means we need to organize our lives around bringing out the best in ourselves. It is not possible to nurture the best in those around us unless we ourselves are growing the best parts of ourselves. We cannot exhibit kindness to our loved ones if we cannot also direct kindness inwards. We have little chance of being generous to our family and friends if we cannot be generous with ourselves.
The idea that living a life of service brings happiness is not new (see: every major religion and philosophy for the past 4000 years). However, I like the idea of bringing out the best in others as a framework for this because it helps avoid a common pitfall when we are trying to help others: putting their needs above our own. When we try to orient our life to be helpful, we sometimes neglect our own needs. However, focusing on cultivating the goodness in others is fundamentally about growing their better nature. There is no shortage of ways to do this.
We tend to reciprocate the actions of those around us. When someone cuts us off in traffic, we might respond with a finger, or be more likely to cut someone else off ourselves. Similarly, when someone holds the door for us, we are more likely to hold the door for the next person. When asked to do something politely, we generally respond with politeness. When asked to do something rudely, we generally respond the same way. Unkind actions tend to elicit unkind responses, whereas generous actions tend to elicit generous responses.
When we engage with others in such a way that appeals to their better nature, the other person is more likely to respond with… their better nature. And the more those around us are governed by their better nature, the more we are able to live in our better nature. Call it an enlightened selfishness. The way to increase our own happiness is to increase the happiness of those around us— and we cannot increase the happiness of those around us if we are not able to be happy ourselves.
There is no one way to bring out the best in someone. Sometimes, doing that involves listening, sometimes it involves a specific action, sometimes it just requires listening and empathy. But the starting point for all these arises from intent. We can listen to be helpful, or we can listen to try and exploit someone. We can challenge a person in the spirit of compassion, or we can challenge someone in a spirit of meanness. The point at which we begin to try and bring out the best in someone starts with the intention.
Bringing out the best in others involves empathy for their situation (see previous thoughts about that here and here). We do not usually awaken the best in others when we do not really see them, and care for them. The implication of this is that if we want to increase our own happiness, we need to care for, and understand, the people around us. The more we do this, the more we can help them be their best selves; in turn, their happiness will increase, and so will our own.
Cheers,
Doc