As humans, we evolved to conserve energy. When offered the choice between doing something the easy way, and doing something the hard way, most of us will gravitate towards doing it the easier way. This is a good thing! Walk 4 miles for a meal, or 4 meters for a meal, and our ancestors were generally well-served by choosing the 4 meter option. This desire to conserve energy, to choose the easier option, is broadly true– if there is something that is cognitively taxing or emotionally difficult, we will tend to avoid it in favor of an easier path.
There are challenges that arise from this however. One, which I’ve written about before, stems from the fact that what is easier and less effortful in the short term (say, watching another Netflix episode) does not contribute to our health and happiness as much as other options– say, going for a walk with a friend, or playing a game of tennis. In these cases, we benefit from shifting our attention timescale, and recognizing that what feels good over the short term feels lousy later, and that a little discomfort now leads to increased pleasure later (I call this the instant gratification pleasure-seeking pain-avoiding monkey).
The other large challenge that arises from the instinct to conserve energy stems from a simple observation. Take a look at your life, and where you are now. Consider your projects, your relationships, the things you have accomplished, and ask yourself, what have you done that you are proud of? Maybe you have a great relationship with your partner, maybe you are proud of your children and your parenting. Perhaps there are things you’ve built at work that you are proud of, or things you have accomplished athletically. Maybe you just graduated from school, or completed a big project. Maybe you’ve moved through addiction into recovery. Think about the big things that you’ve accomplished, the places where you’ve really stretched yourself and grown and done something worthwhile, and ask yourself a question: Which of them were easy?
The question is not what brought you joy, not what brought you love, not what was most meaningful– the question is which of those things was easy. I would bet that maybe, maybe, one of them was (but probably not). The things that we are proud of, that give our lives meaning, that we want to be known for, those things are generally hard. The things that are worth doing require us to endure setbacks, push us to our limits, challenge us. Raising children is wonderful, but difficult. Maintaining a loving relationship without a partner takes effort and growth. The things worth doing require fortitude, perseverance, sometimes demand suffering. But these things– whether it’s raising children or building companies or nurturing enduring relationships– are also the things that bring us joy and happiness, are the reasons to live. When we look back on our lives in our later years, these are the things that bring us happiness and relief for a life well lived.
One last thought (and I’m speaking from experience here)– sometimes, we overcorrect in the opposite direction. Recognizing that the rewarding path is often more difficult, we assume that the difficult choice is always better. It’s a form of sloppy thinking when we tell ourselves that if the more fulfilling path is more difficult, the difficult path must also, therefore, be more fulfilling. That’s not the case. Instead, the point is to choose the more fulfilling, more meaningful path, regardless of whether it is easier or harder in the short term. In the long-term, it is the only way to find happiness.
So here’s the paradox: how do we make sure that we follow the path of contentment and reward and meaning, even though that path is almost always the more difficult way? I’d offer that it starts by simply being aware of this reality, and being alert to our human tendency to shy away from difficulty. Instead, let’s view that more meaningful path as a challenge worth accepting, and see where that takes us.
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