We all have fantasies– and they can be great. In our fantasies, we are not bound by the constraints of time, resources, societal expectations, or the wants or needs of those around us. We can explore different parts of ourselves and alternative identities, and experiment with scenarios that would be impossible or impractical in our everyday lives. We can imagine a life filled with riches, romance, adventure, superhuman abilities, or success– unencumbered by the messy realities of responsibility, human relationships, consequences, or the laws of physics. This ability to explore and experiment can lead to greater self-awareness and inspire us to think more creatively. And, it can be fun. Fantasy allows us to experience joy and excitement beyond the ordinary.
The allure of fantasy lies in its perfection and lack of limitations, and can lead us to suffer when we confuse it with reality. For example, a fantasy of a flawless relationship, where everything is always harmonious and effortless, can lead to unrealistic expectations in our actual relationships. In our fantasy, we can have the perfect partner, without actually having to worry about another person. When reality inevitably falls short of these fantasy-driven expectations, we may feel frustrated, disillusioned, or even resentful. The problem is not the fantasy itself, the problem is expecting reality to match the fantasy. The fantasy might still be helpful or instructive– but that does not mean it is a template for real life, or even something to strive for. When we expect our reality to match our fantasy, we suffer. Sometimes, fantasy is just another word for should.
Our fantasies can offer valuable insights into our emotional state, and the areas of our lives where we may feel constricted or unfulfilled. For example, if we find ourselves fantasizing about running away or escaping to the life of a wanderer, it might be a sign that we are feeling trapped or confined in our current situation. These fantasies can act as a mirror, reflecting our unmet needs and desires. Rather than criticizing or demeaning these fantasies (Really? You’re going to buy a van and live as a surf bum?), we can acknowledge that this longing perhaps represents an unmet need for more spontaneity or less responsibility. This might allow us to move in a new direction– our fantasy can be a signal for what we are lacking and need to cultivate. This is useful, but not necessarily useful because we should actually try to live out the fantasy. It is useful because it can highlight what we are missing, or longing.
What makes a great fantasy often doesn’t make for a great reality. The elements that thrill us in fantasy—like danger, perfection, or endless possibilities—might be exciting to imagine, but they can be problematic or even harmful when in real life. For example, a fantasy of living without responsibilities might seem liberating in our minds, but in reality, could lead to instability or a lack of fulfillment. A fantasy of constant excitement or adventure might be exhilarating to imagine, but in practice, it could result in burnout, stress, and an inability to maintain meaningful relationships. A fantasy of fantastic wealth or success probably does not include the sacrifices, responsibilities, and disillusionment that accrue along the way.
Fantasy is a valuable aspect of our lives, offering us a space for exploration, fun, and self-discovery. The challenge arises when we lose sight of the value of fantasy, and mistake a lovely fantasy for a lovely reality. When we appreciate fantasy for what it is—a realm of imagination and possibility—we can enjoy its benefits without falling into the trap of confusing it with our real-world experiences or expectations.
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