I recently went to a memorial for a member of our family. It was a sorrowful event, as memorials are. However, it also caused me to reflect on sorrow, and on its counterpart, joy. The roots of our sorrow are often in our joy, and the seeds of our joy are often found in sorrow. At this memorial, it struck me that this was particularly true. While we were sad to have lost someone, we were able, even in the midst of our sadness, to take joy in his life.
If he had not lived a good life, we may not have been so sorry to see him go. If he had not loved us, and was not well loved in return, we would not have been particularly sad at his passing. Instead, it was precisely because of the joy he took in life, and the joy others took in being with him, that so many tears were shed. Our sadness at losing him was rooted in our joy of living with him.
Emotions often exist in opposite parings. We could argue about whether the opposite of joy is sadness or sorrow, but we can agree that there is a feeling at the opposite end of the spectrum. The same is true for most feelings– happiness, anger, fear, and boredom might have as opposites of sadness, love, courage, and excitement. Moreover, the seeds of an emotion are usually planted in whatever is on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum.
When we are most angry in life, it is frequently because of conflict we are having with the people we care most about. On the surface, it seems contradictory to feel such unbridled rage towards those to whom we are closest. But if we believe the idea that the seeds of anger are in love, and vice versa, it makes more sense. We become so enraged with the people closest to us precisely because we love them. If we felt no affection for them, our misunderstandings would not enrage us, and we would just move on.
Recognizing that sorrow has its roots in joy, or that anger often arises from love might help us navigate our life with more equanimity. Rather than viewing these emotions as opposites, instead it might make more sense to think of them as two sides of the same coin, inseparable and inextricably intertwined. We cannot have one without the other. We learn to appreciate joy from feeling sorrow, and we feel sorrow when we lose the things that bring us joy. We feel anger because the things and people we love and care about are threatened or hurt.
Perhaps then we can learn to appreciate our generally less desireable emotions, such as sorrow, fear, anger, or boredom as being the seedbed for that which we want to cultivate. If we consider this more deeply, we might recognize that not only is it in this ground that joy, courage, love, and excitement grow, but it is simply a different form of the same thing. As Thich Nhat Hanh famously wrote, “No mud, No lotus.”
If we think of looking at a beautiful flower, we might remind ourselves that however fresh it is, however wonderful it looks and smells, it will eventually wither and die and rot. Yet as it becomes compost, it is again the ground in which the next flower will grow. We cannot have the flower without the decay, and the decay in turn leads to a flower. They are, literally, the same thing, at a different time, differently expressed.
In order to feel joy, we must experience sorrow, and vice versa. We need contrast in order to see; without it we are blind. Perhaps we similarly depend on contrast with our feelings.
Cheers,
Doc