There is tremendous variation in us humans: how we live, what we think about, why we do things, who we care for, what we look like, where we spend our time– the list of variables is endless. Our stories are our own. Our genetic code is unique. Looking at the innumerable variables that define us, it would be easy to conclude that little about us is universal.
And yet…although each of our genetics are unique, our genetic code is 99% the same. We are all governed by largely the same drives, same needs, and same desires. We may eat different foods, but we all eat food. Our core desires include connection, meaning, safety, and fulfillment. We strive for love, belonging, and a sense of purpose. Although we may have different ideas about what these things mean, we all desire health, happiness, and the opportunity to contribute something of value to the world.
When we focus too heavily on our individuality– what makes us unique and special– we risk isolating ourselves. Overemphasizing our individuality sometimes leaves us caught up in what sets us apart, and we lose sight of the commonality that binds us. It is easy to become so focused on the specifics of our unique situation that we believe certain rules do not apply, that other people cannot relate.
When we are too absorbed in our uniqueness, we may struggle with loneliness and a sense of disconnection. It can be hard to find joy or connection in community because we feel different. Unique. This sense of difference blends into feelings of isolation and separateness.
Belief in our own exceptionalism can prevent us from connecting with others. It can limit our ability to access the universal human feelings and experiences that unite us. When we are overly focused on how we are different– smarter, wiser, more insightful– we forget that we are human, and as such subject to human foibles. When we become overly focused on our shortcomings, mistakes, and failures, we also forget that we are human, and that these are fundamentally human characteristics, not a sign of a unique defect.
On the other hand, when we lean too far toward our commonality, we can forget that our story is unique, special, and worthy of individual attention. We are people, not widgets, and treating everyone the same makes no sense. A bonsai and a giant sequoia are both trees, but they are not the same.
Overemphasizing our commonality can ironically also lead to isolation. If we feel there is nothing unique about us, we also feel unseen. An attachment to homogenization washes out the richness of our individuality, and our individuality is overlooked or dismissed. Telling ourselves that our struggle is not unique can be reassuring, but it can also be dismissive. The subtext is that your story is not unique, your story does not matter. You are the same as everyone else.
When we lean too heavily on the idea that we are all the same, we may minimize the specific challenges and struggles that we, as individuals, face. By glossing over differences, we fail to address the unique challenges that we face and the unique strengths that we have.
While we share many of the same fundamental needs and desires, our paths to fulfilling them are different. Our stories, though connected by common threads, are not interchangeable. Each of us deserves to have our unique narrative heard, understood, and respected.
We must embrace both our shared humanity and our individual differences. When we find ourselves stuck in the uniqueness of our situation, it is a sign that we are leaning too strongly toward our individuality, and we would likely benefit from trying to find the universal in the challenge we face. Conversely, when we tell ourselves stories about our exceptionalism, when we say that may be true for them but not for me, it is a sign we need to remind ourselves that we, too, are human.
Cheers,
Doc