I often talk to patients in the office and ask about how something made them feel. I’ll get a blank look, a shrug, or a response that does not quite make sense. Someone will reach a milestone and say they felt “good.” I’ll press– proud? Relieved? Letdown? Joyful? More shrugs. Learning to recognize our varied emotions is a skill, but it is a skill we are not often taught, and therefore are not particularly good at doing. Like any skill, it can be awkward and difficult at first. Just as a musician stumbles through scales before mastering a piece, or a language learner fumbles with words before achieving fluency, we often find it challenging to pinpoint and articulate our emotions when we have not learned how to do this.
Understanding and accessing our emotions is often viewed as an innate ability, rather than as a skill that can be cultivated and learned. Our ability to identify and articulate our emotions can significantly impact our mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. Suppressing emotions does not work– they are there, and they come out. We can only access emotions we know how to name, and without a name, we struggle to recognize and process our feelings, often resorting to inappropriate or inaccurate substitutes.
We all have the ability to access at least a few emotions, but when our emotional vocabulary is limited, we often end up feeling frustrated and stuck. For example, if we know how to access rage, that might be what we express when other feelings, such as disappointment or fear are actually more appropriate. Stereotypically, men see other men get angry, and so realize this is socially acceptable; women see other women sad, so this becomes an acceptable emotional expression. However, perhaps neither sadness nor anger is right– perhaps longing, disappointment, or fear are actually more on the mark. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail; when all we have are a few emotional states, all that we feel must be one of those states. Other, more accurate expressions of our inner state are not expressed– which often leaves us feeling stuck, anxious, or misunderstood. Without the appropriate vocabulary to describe an emotion, we reach for what we do know, which can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications.
In Swiss German, there is a word “zämähöcke” which translates directly to “sitting together.” It means more than that, and includes connotations of communal gathering, belonging, inclusion, and warmth. Hanging out does not really capture it. While we can sort of approximate this in English, we cannot quite get there. The idea is similar with emotional vocabulary– we can only really access emotions we know and can name. And as we learn new ways to express ourselves, we can more fully articulate ourselves.
Expanding our emotional vocabulary is not just about learning new words, but also about deepening our understanding of the experiences they represent. This allows us to navigate complex social situations with greater empathy and effectiveness. Practicing the skill of naming emotions involves deliberate effort and persistence. Initially, it feels uncomfortable, awkward or forced, as we struggle to find the right words and grapple with unfamiliar terms. However, as with any skill, repetition and exposure lead to improvement. By regularly reflecting on our emotional experiences, we become more fluent in the language of emotions. This fluency allows us to better manage our feelings, communicate our needs, and respond to others with greater compassion.
In most situations, there is not one emotion that we feel– instead, it’s a soup of feelings. There might be one dominant emotion, but others are nearly always in the mix. As we gain fluency in recognizing what it is that we feel, we can also learn to identify that in any given situation, there are probably several different emotions that are coming up.
Our ability to access emotions is a skill that can be learned and honed through practice. By expanding our emotional vocabulary and learning to name our feelings accurately, we enhance our emotional intelligence and overall well-being. Like any skill, naming emotions becomes easier with practice, leading to greater emotional clarity and healthier relationships. When we lack the right words, we often misinterpret our feelings, but by practicing this skill, we can feel better.
Cheers,
Doc