What do you want for… your kids? For your partner? Your family? Yourself? It is interesting to me how we often do not think through this question clearly. I have a lot of conversations with people who have thought about it a little, but not a lot. A lack of clarity about direction often leads to difficulty with decision-making, mixed messages, and no clear direction.
For example, I’ll often talk to people who are interested in making a lot of money. But ask why, and a huge amount of the clarity evaporates. Well– because not having money sucks. Fair. But what is it about having money that is so beneficial? Put another way, why is it important to have money?
In that context, answers are often much easier. I’d like to have money so that I do not have to worry about paying my bills. Or, I’d like to be able to take my family on vacation. I’d like to be able to live in a safe neighborhood. These answers are much more useful, because they provide clarity about what is actually important (say, affording bills), rather than the means to this (making money). More to the point, having the goal of having financial security is something that is achievable. Making more money is bottomless.
Another example that comes up a lot when talking to parents, and wanting our children to do well and be successful. But what does it mean to raise successful children? I would define that as leaving the house, able to support themselves, have strong friendships, find a partner, and live a life that is meaningful to them. It’s important to have this idea of success, because that means I want to help my children become independent from me, to help them figure out for themselves what is important. It also means I want them to learn how to have relationships (including romantic relations) with others.
It takes time for our kids to go from infants to leaving the house. But if we have an idea of what we want that end goal to look like, it can provide a lot of clarity about how we parent, and what the intermediate steps are. We should let our children use the sharp knife to help us cut vegetables because we want them to learn how to cut vegetables, so that they can do it for themselves. Our kids should climb trees, that is how they learn what is safe, how they push their boundaries. It is a good thing that our teenagers date, that is how they learn what it feels like to be in a relationship, to love and be loved.
So, why is it so crucial to get clear on what we want? Because without clarity, we’re left floating between reactions rather than moving with intention. We frequently fail to define what is important, what matters, so we end up chasing some proximate marker– money, prestige, or even a sense of “keeping up.” But if we take the time to articulate what truly matters to us, we can make decisions that align with our deeper values, creating a more intentional and fulfilling life.
For ourselves, this might mean asking: what do I want my days to look like? What do I need to feel content, engaged, and at peace? For some, it might be the freedom to pursue creative projects, while for others, it might be about nurturing relationships or simply maintaining good health. The same exercise can be applied to our families, our friendships, and our world.
When we have this clarity, life becomes a series of conscious choices, rather than a scramble to check off someone else’s list. It also opens up flexibility when facing challenges. For example, if we want friendships, roads to getting there. If our goal instead is to be a cool kid… that’s a bit more limiting.
It’s a simple but profound shift—from chasing more to defining enough, from following a script to writing our own story. If we are spending lots of time and pursuing something, we probably want to make sure that we will actually like what it is when we catch it.
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